What a difference a year makes

As I drove to work this morning, something in the air sparked a memory within me. The weather looked the same, my clothes and car felt the same but yet everything was completely different. Then I realized.


It’s exactly a year ago today that I first heard my doctor’s diagnosis. The words: “You’ve got cancer,” are indelibly etched on my memory. I will never forget how I felt at the time. Cheated, sad, angry, mad, disbelief – a range of emotions went through me. I raced out of my office to immediately have a cigarette. Yes, I am aware of the idiocy of that action!

I remember vaguely gathering my stuff and racing out of the office crying. I went immediately to a bar where I met one of my close friends. She was in the process of receiving dramatic news herself. Her best friend had just become involved with her ex, the father of her child. It didn’t help that her current fiancé is also the best friend’s ex husband. Can you say JERRY!? So we drank and chatted and commiserated. I phoned a few people to tell them and we cried and chatted and cried some more.

That was only the beginning. I had no idea what to expect and no idea how this experience would change me, only the vague inkling that it would, irrevocably. I was afraid. Afraid of losing my life, leaving my daughter, pain – all of it! Little did I know that this journey would be one of the most awesome, inspiring and life changing I would ever embark on.

Flash forward to now. I am now literally half the woman I used to be. To put it gently for my more sensitive readers, I no longer have all my women ‘bits’. I had tests done, was poked, prodded and examined and they told me I had to have an operation. I did. I was petrified of the operation, the hospital, the possibility that I may not survive. I DID live through it. I survived. Not only did I survive – I came out of all this a changed and better person. I believe that certain things are given to us as gifts in disguise. This was one of those. I now realize that we all take life way too much for granted. We take our friends and loved ones for granted. Life is short. It’s meant to be lived and lived well.

So, this morning looking at the sunrise against the bleak winter sky, I smiled. I remember that scared little person I once was. I fondly waved at her and faced the day with gratitude.

Everyday is a gift. Use it well. Tell the ones you love that you love them. Do it now, before it’s too late!

My Perfect Man

aha - FINALLY a website where you can create your perfect man. He recently sent me this SMS:

To my beautiful Hot-Gorgeous-Goddess


I'm so excited to meet you. You're everything a hunk could want. You're beautiful, gorgeous, fun and incredibly sexy. I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

I have a feeling this could be the start of something special.


Love Adorio

Aah isn't he perfection? Now if ONLY he were real, dammit!

Stuck in the Moment

Woke up with this song in my head:
I'm not afraid of anything in this world

There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company


I never thought you were a fool
But darling - look at you
You gotta stand up straight - carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it


I will not forsake the colours that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks - they left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears - through your eyes I can see


And you are such a fool to worry like you do
I know it's tough, and you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now - my, oh my


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it


I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping - for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
And if the night runs over, and if the day won't last
And if our way should falter along the stony pass

And if the night runs over, and if the day won't last
And if your way should falter along this stony pass
It's just a moment - this time will pass

Be Not Afraid....

"Physical reality is a dense energetic opportunity for the soul's expansion.

Not all of it is pretty, not all of it is easy to comprehend. However, the moments offered are a perspective that is not so available in the spiritual realm.

Seek the expression boldly, as you have created it for your own purpose. Your actions in difficulty offer a window to who you are.

Be not afraid as you are not alone in all the trials and tribulations. Dig deep into your energy to find the purpose of your soul while embracing the lesson that has been created to serve your energy.

Feel the hand of your entity as it brushes away the tear from your eye. Know that all who love you are encircling you with their love.

Be not afraid. It does not serve the moment. Be connected to your soul who has created your life. Know that you are not alone. Feel the warmth and let it embrace your heart.

The hurt will subside in the connection. You are treasured by all those who love you in spirit.

Rejoice in that feeling and be not afraid. In fact be quite the opposite.....Bold."

The Message

I've taken to talking to God in the mornings on my way to work. This morning I was doing just that when a car pulled in front of me with the number plate 'Jer 29'. I made a point of looking up Jeremiah 29 on Google when I got to my desk. This is the message I got. I am utterly amazed!

JEREMIAH 29: 11-14 (The Message)22 09 2006
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out–plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.
When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.
Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.
I’ll turn things around for you…You can count on it.”

Letter to Payroll

My colleague and I decided to motivate for an early payment. Clearly we got nowhere but it was fun while it lasted. Read it and weep. Oh, and if you take this seriously, please get a reality check somewhere - hehe.

Dear Payroll

May I share a quote with you as follows:

"We the willing have been doing so much with so little for so long that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing."

Rob (aka Retard) and I have sat here for 2 weeks now working our fingers to the bone for very little or no reward. We have been whipped, moaned at and not acknowledged.

In addition to which WHILE I AM WRITING this letter, I keep getting annoying interruptions from FTA* with actual work requests (not to be confused with WR’s**) – requests for us to do actual work – WHAT is that about!?

My daughter and I have not had a proper meal now for approximately 1 week. We are relying on the kindness of strangers, knocking on doors asking to borrow a plate of spaghetti. Luckily we are cute and gorgeous so our hit rate is fairly high. The upside of this is that we now resemble Kate Moss. I am planning on taking pics to send to top model agencies.

I have had to subject myself to lunches (on the book) from the Tuck Shop and (shock and horror!) there are NO chips so I am now gaining weight from too many chocolates and licorice all sorts. Rob insists he is on Herbal Life but I am sure I’ve smelled LIQUOR on his breath. I also don’t see a marked change in his weight. He recently transferred funds into his wife’s account. I am sure these were pilfered otherwise he clearly earns more than me which is unfair as he does next to nothing besides moan about all and sundry. It’s very dull and is leading me to a very bad mental state. This leads me to my next point. I need to claim workmen’s compensation for colleague abuse. Rob constantly drones on and on and ooooon about all his work woes. I have learnt to block this out and render it to white background noise.

Our humble request right now is that we get paid early in February. We realize that this will probably render us broke in March but we don’t really care.

Lastly we’d like to end with another quote: "Lieeeefliiing, ons kan nie sonder jooooou kan bestaaaan niiiieee…. Laaalaaalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaalaaaa." ***

And we love you (very much)

Fond regards
The very poor
Retard and Bee
xxx


* FTA - Friendly (in house) Travel Agent aka lovely colleague who lives to annoy me (Hi Heidi)
** WR - A template used within our work environment - gotta love acronyms
*** An in joke based on a song by Afrikaans singer Ge Korsten - translation: "Darling, I cannot exist without you!"

Only way out is through

A few things attacked me at once. I came out of hospital after having a hysterectomy for cervical cancer, my boyfriend of 2 years told me he was in love with someone else and I was given notice on the house I’ve lived in and loved for the last 4 years. Notice was given to ‘vacate the premises’ on 31 December – New Year’s Eve. Lovely. All these things I dealt with as they happened. Like slaying dragons, I dealt with each problem head on doing what had to be done, remaining calm and carrying on. A friend even commented that I ‘sailed through all of this with such grace’. Hah. All the while I remained calm and collected on the surface, I was dying inside. Many a night I spent crying into my pillow at the unfairness of life and the hopelessness of it all. The only thing that kept me going is the absolute belief that I have to be there for my daughter. If cancer is not going to take me away from her, nothing else will either.

Now it’s a couple of months later and I think I’ve only now relaxed enough to be able to grieve. I find myself overwhelmed with inexplicable bouts of sadness where all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I don’t think I gave myself time to process at the time it was happening. I don’t think I had time to process. There were things that had to be done and I did them. Now they’re done and I feel completely spent. Wiped out sometimes, washed ashore.

My work is empty and meaningless and I dislike my boss intensely. I don’t have enough money to pay all my bills and find myself broke before the middle of the month. I am not usually a moaner or a whiner but it just feels like I need a break. I need something to go right. I know I’ve been given a second chance at life and I want to grab it and shake it but still I feel sad. I need to get over this and move on. I need to get over the grieving process. I need to shake myself and meet life head on. I know I need to do this. I just don’t know how.

Well meaning friends and family are supporting me through this. They are providing practical solutions and solid things that I can do to get myself out of this. I am just so tired of doing this all on my own. My daughter’s dad has not paid me maintenance for a total of three years of her life and when he did it was minimal. I am tired of being the bread winner, sole provider, cheerleader, mother, father, worker, saint etc. etc. etc. I am bone tired of it. So at times I need to wallow – I need to feel the sadness and I need to move on from it. Only by feeling it can I get rid of it. The only way out is through.

High and Dry in Sunny South Africa

So here we are again. No money. No hope. No prospects. No, this is not a TV reality show or the life of a homeless person in South Africa. It’s MY life and I’ll weep if I want to. On the 2nd of February I merrily went to the ATM and tried to draw R1000. The message on the screen said: “Withdrawal not possible”. The nasty little slip that came out of the machine said “Balance: R44, available: R0”. Lovely. The 2nd of February people. I got paid on the 26th of January. This means that my salary lasted all of 6 days. I get paid (a small fortune) enough to comfortably survive on but after paying my rent, some bills and buying some food – that’s it – game over! WTF!? Has the recession hit SO badly that we’re all feeling the pinch now? And by all I mean ME of course – duh.

So I did what any upstanding citizen would do. I called for help. My sister suggested I have an honest look at my bank statements and see exactly where my money is going. Bank statements? I never look at those. OH you mean those things with numbers on them and a lot of minuses. I am the kind of person who draws money and NEVER EVER looks at the slip as the balance is too depressing. I draw all the money until the machine says I can’t anymore. Head in the sand? Yes. Stupid? Probably. Anway. So I followed her advice, went online and did the exercise with the bank statements. Shock and horror! I discover the bank (who will remain unnamed) has eaten a sizeable portion of my salary in charges. My debit order total is too horrific to even contemplate and there’s little wonder I have no money left. But this feels good, it feels like I am taking charge. So I made a decision. I am going to change banks, move only the debit orders that are necessary and keep a close eye on what gets spent and paid. In other words, budget and manage my money. Two things I have not been quite capable of up to this point.

In addition to this I am going to take on some extra work after hours to earn extra money. Lovely new boyfriend already has some work lined up for me so that’s good. For today, however, I have to figure out how to make dinner for my kid and her friend who will be coming over. Sigh. Is it just me or is everyone in this boat?

SOTD - For Cath

More than one kind of love - Joan Armatrading

There’s a lot of things you should hold dear
Keep in your heart
Never let go
Never let go
Never let go
Pride and dignity
A sense of self
Hold on

When that boy leaves
And you need someone to turn to
When you feel alone
You will know you’re not alone
If you’ve been true
To all who are true to you
You’ll make it
You’ll make it fine

If you remember your friends
Just remember you can call
Just remember that passion fades
Good friendships seldom die
Go ahead have your fun
But don’t turn your back on everyone
Though the body needs love
There is more than one kind

More
More than one kind of love
There is more
More than one kind

Yes he fills your heart
Fills your mind
He’s all you want
All you need
Everything
Everything
Everything but

Love that’s that exclusive
That obsessive
Can hurt

When that love pales
And becomes human emotion
Where will you go
If you’ve neglected those you know
But if you stay true
To those who are true to you
You’ll make it
You’ll make it fine

If you remember your friends
Just remember you can call
Just remember that passion fades
Good friendships seldom die
Go ahead have your fun
But don’t turn your back on everyone
Though the body needs love
There is more than one kind

More
More than one kind of love
There is more
More than one kind