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February 10, 2010

Letter to Payroll

My colleague and I decided to motivate for an early payment. Clearly we got nowhere but it was fun while it lasted. Read it and weep. Oh, and if you take this seriously, please get a reality check somewhere - hehe.

Dear Payroll

May I share a quote with you as follows:

"We the willing have been doing so much with so little for so long that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing."

Rob (aka Retard) and I have sat here for 2 weeks now working our fingers to the bone for very little or no reward. We have been whipped, moaned at and not acknowledged.

In addition to which WHILE I AM WRITING this letter, I keep getting annoying interruptions from FTA* with actual work requests (not to be confused with WR’s**) – requests for us to do actual work – WHAT is that about!?

My daughter and I have not had a proper meal now for approximately 1 week. We are relying on the kindness of strangers, knocking on doors asking to borrow a plate of spaghetti. Luckily we are cute and gorgeous so our hit rate is fairly high. The upside of this is that we now resemble Kate Moss. I am planning on taking pics to send to top model agencies.

I have had to subject myself to lunches (on the book) from the Tuck Shop and (shock and horror!) there are NO chips so I am now gaining weight from too many chocolates and licorice all sorts. Rob insists he is on Herbal Life but I am sure I’ve smelled LIQUOR on his breath. I also don’t see a marked change in his weight. He recently transferred funds into his wife’s account. I am sure these were pilfered otherwise he clearly earns more than me which is unfair as he does next to nothing besides moan about all and sundry. It’s very dull and is leading me to a very bad mental state. This leads me to my next point. I need to claim workmen’s compensation for colleague abuse. Rob constantly drones on and on and ooooon about all his work woes. I have learnt to block this out and render it to white background noise.

Our humble request right now is that we get paid early in February. We realize that this will probably render us broke in March but we don’t really care.

Lastly we’d like to end with another quote: "Lieeeefliiing, ons kan nie sonder jooooou kan bestaaaan niiiieee…. Laaalaaalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaalaaaa." ***

And we love you (very much)

Fond regards
The very poor
Retard and Bee

* FTA - Friendly (in house) Travel Agent aka lovely colleague who lives to annoy me (Hi Heidi)
** WR - A template used within our work environment - gotta love acronyms
*** An in joke based on a song by Afrikaans singer Ge Korsten - translation: "Darling, I cannot exist without you!"

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