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February 04, 2010

Only way out is through

A few things attacked me at once. I came out of hospital after having a hysterectomy for cervical cancer, my boyfriend of 2 years told me he was in love with someone else and I was given notice on the house I’ve lived in and loved for the last 4 years. Notice was given to ‘vacate the premises’ on 31 December – New Year’s Eve. Lovely. All these things I dealt with as they happened. Like slaying dragons, I dealt with each problem head on doing what had to be done, remaining calm and carrying on. A friend even commented that I ‘sailed through all of this with such grace’. Hah. All the while I remained calm and collected on the surface, I was dying inside. Many a night I spent crying into my pillow at the unfairness of life and the hopelessness of it all. The only thing that kept me going is the absolute belief that I have to be there for my daughter. If cancer is not going to take me away from her, nothing else will either.

Now it’s a couple of months later and I think I’ve only now relaxed enough to be able to grieve. I find myself overwhelmed with inexplicable bouts of sadness where all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I don’t think I gave myself time to process at the time it was happening. I don’t think I had time to process. There were things that had to be done and I did them. Now they’re done and I feel completely spent. Wiped out sometimes, washed ashore.

My work is empty and meaningless and I dislike my boss intensely. I don’t have enough money to pay all my bills and find myself broke before the middle of the month. I am not usually a moaner or a whiner but it just feels like I need a break. I need something to go right. I know I’ve been given a second chance at life and I want to grab it and shake it but still I feel sad. I need to get over this and move on. I need to get over the grieving process. I need to shake myself and meet life head on. I know I need to do this. I just don’t know how.

Well meaning friends and family are supporting me through this. They are providing practical solutions and solid things that I can do to get myself out of this. I am just so tired of doing this all on my own. My daughter’s dad has not paid me maintenance for a total of three years of her life and when he did it was minimal. I am tired of being the bread winner, sole provider, cheerleader, mother, father, worker, saint etc. etc. etc. I am bone tired of it. So at times I need to wallow – I need to feel the sadness and I need to move on from it. Only by feeling it can I get rid of it. The only way out is through.

5 comments:

  1. Well done on pulling through some serious life changes - your health, relationship and home. You're entitled to some sorrow and the right to work through your emotions. You will pull through. Most 'material' things like bills can be solved in time. You need to take the time to get your head straight. Dont plan too far ahead. Just take it one day at a time.

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  2. Put on yer big girl panties, man, and join the rest of us in a BGP fest. Life isn't fair- no incremental messes, just compound ones. Sigh. But you aren't alone- you have friends and shit.

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  3. Oh B... I know I'm slow in reading this but HUGE hugs and good thoughts to you anyway.
    I cannot imagine what you're going through, or have been through, but you and your little girl are in my prayers.

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  4. How AWESOME YOU ARE! This is how I know you have powers. I always figured mothers have extra-sensory everything, but your strength confirms it. I often tell my delegates in Leadership training about you and your never-say-die attitude. your ability to live in the moment kinda sends the skeptics side-ways. Fast. You're Royalty Queen Bee. Shine on!
    Lots of love

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