Only way out is through

A few things attacked me at once. I came out of hospital after having a hysterectomy for cervical cancer, my boyfriend of 2 years told me he was in love with someone else and I was given notice on the house I’ve lived in and loved for the last 4 years. Notice was given to ‘vacate the premises’ on 31 December – New Year’s Eve. Lovely. All these things I dealt with as they happened. Like slaying dragons, I dealt with each problem head on doing what had to be done, remaining calm and carrying on. A friend even commented that I ‘sailed through all of this with such grace’. Hah. All the while I remained calm and collected on the surface, I was dying inside. Many a night I spent crying into my pillow at the unfairness of life and the hopelessness of it all. The only thing that kept me going is the absolute belief that I have to be there for my daughter. If cancer is not going to take me away from her, nothing else will either.

Now it’s a couple of months later and I think I’ve only now relaxed enough to be able to grieve. I find myself overwhelmed with inexplicable bouts of sadness where all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I don’t think I gave myself time to process at the time it was happening. I don’t think I had time to process. There were things that had to be done and I did them. Now they’re done and I feel completely spent. Wiped out sometimes, washed ashore.

My work is empty and meaningless and I dislike my boss intensely. I don’t have enough money to pay all my bills and find myself broke before the middle of the month. I am not usually a moaner or a whiner but it just feels like I need a break. I need something to go right. I know I’ve been given a second chance at life and I want to grab it and shake it but still I feel sad. I need to get over this and move on. I need to get over the grieving process. I need to shake myself and meet life head on. I know I need to do this. I just don’t know how.

Well meaning friends and family are supporting me through this. They are providing practical solutions and solid things that I can do to get myself out of this. I am just so tired of doing this all on my own. My daughter’s dad has not paid me maintenance for a total of three years of her life and when he did it was minimal. I am tired of being the bread winner, sole provider, cheerleader, mother, father, worker, saint etc. etc. etc. I am bone tired of it. So at times I need to wallow – I need to feel the sadness and I need to move on from it. Only by feeling it can I get rid of it. The only way out is through.