Cervical Cancer: A Diary - Part 2

My previous post I realise was a very matter of fact telling of what happened. It does not detail how I felt or what was going on underneath the surface. I awoke at 5am today and tried to make sense of that and wondered about ways of trying to convey this. I think the best way to describe it is to compare it to the five stages of grief or loss. My first reaction to the doctor’s initial phone call was ABSOLUTE denial. This can’t be happening to me. I am sure this is nothing serious. This must be a mistake – all is fine and well. Things like this don’t happen to me.

Denial continued way into the first visit with the doctor who TOLD me this was not cancer. I only felt real anger when I realised that his diagnosis was wrong and that he should not have opened his mouth to say those words.

Bargaining happened in my two week waiting period before I had to go and see the doctors again for my final meeting. When the call came through from the doctor’s office confirming that it was cancer, my reaction was to cry and then to run (to the nearest bar). I met up with a friend and drank copious amounts of wine and smoked up a storm. I phoned my nearest and dearest to break the news to them but it was as though I was talking through a fog. This was not actually happening to me, it was surreal. I spoke to God that night and many nights thereafter praying for a miracle.

I think depression hit me on and off throughout the process. The rest of life seemed absolutely trivial. I would go online and read about people’s unremarkable lives and get extremely angry and jealous that they got to carry on as usual while I had this burden to bear. I was very sorry for myself and cried at the drop of a hat.

Acceptance – this is where I am now. I know that whatever happens, good or bad, this experience has changed me for the better. It’s made me more spiritual, more aware, more me. It was meant to be and is part of the path that I have chosen. This writing about my experience is also part of the journey. Walk with me, listen to me, be there for me.