What a difference a year makes

As I drove to work this morning, something in the air sparked a memory within me. The weather looked the same, my clothes and car felt the same but yet everything was completely different. Then I realized.


It’s exactly a year ago today that I first heard my doctor’s diagnosis. The words: “You’ve got cancer,” are indelibly etched on my memory. I will never forget how I felt at the time. Cheated, sad, angry, mad, disbelief – a range of emotions went through me. I raced out of my office to immediately have a cigarette. Yes, I am aware of the idiocy of that action!

I remember vaguely gathering my stuff and racing out of the office crying. I went immediately to a bar where I met one of my close friends. She was in the process of receiving dramatic news herself. Her best friend had just become involved with her ex, the father of her child. It didn’t help that her current fiancé is also the best friend’s ex husband. Can you say JERRY!? So we drank and chatted and commiserated. I phoned a few people to tell them and we cried and chatted and cried some more.

That was only the beginning. I had no idea what to expect and no idea how this experience would change me, only the vague inkling that it would, irrevocably. I was afraid. Afraid of losing my life, leaving my daughter, pain – all of it! Little did I know that this journey would be one of the most awesome, inspiring and life changing I would ever embark on.

Flash forward to now. I am now literally half the woman I used to be. To put it gently for my more sensitive readers, I no longer have all my women ‘bits’. I had tests done, was poked, prodded and examined and they told me I had to have an operation. I did. I was petrified of the operation, the hospital, the possibility that I may not survive. I DID live through it. I survived. Not only did I survive – I came out of all this a changed and better person. I believe that certain things are given to us as gifts in disguise. This was one of those. I now realize that we all take life way too much for granted. We take our friends and loved ones for granted. Life is short. It’s meant to be lived and lived well.

So, this morning looking at the sunrise against the bleak winter sky, I smiled. I remember that scared little person I once was. I fondly waved at her and faced the day with gratitude.

Everyday is a gift. Use it well. Tell the ones you love that you love them. Do it now, before it’s too late!

My Perfect Man

aha - FINALLY a website where you can create your perfect man. He recently sent me this SMS:

To my beautiful Hot-Gorgeous-Goddess


I'm so excited to meet you. You're everything a hunk could want. You're beautiful, gorgeous, fun and incredibly sexy. I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

I have a feeling this could be the start of something special.


Love Adorio

Aah isn't he perfection? Now if ONLY he were real, dammit!

Stuck in the Moment

Woke up with this song in my head:
I'm not afraid of anything in this world

There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company


I never thought you were a fool
But darling - look at you
You gotta stand up straight - carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it


I will not forsake the colours that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks - they left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears - through your eyes I can see


And you are such a fool to worry like you do
I know it's tough, and you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now - my, oh my


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it


I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping - for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
And if the night runs over, and if the day won't last
And if our way should falter along the stony pass

And if the night runs over, and if the day won't last
And if your way should falter along this stony pass
It's just a moment - this time will pass

Be Not Afraid....

"Physical reality is a dense energetic opportunity for the soul's expansion.

Not all of it is pretty, not all of it is easy to comprehend. However, the moments offered are a perspective that is not so available in the spiritual realm.

Seek the expression boldly, as you have created it for your own purpose. Your actions in difficulty offer a window to who you are.

Be not afraid as you are not alone in all the trials and tribulations. Dig deep into your energy to find the purpose of your soul while embracing the lesson that has been created to serve your energy.

Feel the hand of your entity as it brushes away the tear from your eye. Know that all who love you are encircling you with their love.

Be not afraid. It does not serve the moment. Be connected to your soul who has created your life. Know that you are not alone. Feel the warmth and let it embrace your heart.

The hurt will subside in the connection. You are treasured by all those who love you in spirit.

Rejoice in that feeling and be not afraid. In fact be quite the opposite.....Bold."

The Message

I've taken to talking to God in the mornings on my way to work. This morning I was doing just that when a car pulled in front of me with the number plate 'Jer 29'. I made a point of looking up Jeremiah 29 on Google when I got to my desk. This is the message I got. I am utterly amazed!

JEREMIAH 29: 11-14 (The Message)22 09 2006
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out–plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.
When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.
Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.
I’ll turn things around for you…You can count on it.”

Letter to Payroll

My colleague and I decided to motivate for an early payment. Clearly we got nowhere but it was fun while it lasted. Read it and weep. Oh, and if you take this seriously, please get a reality check somewhere - hehe.

Dear Payroll

May I share a quote with you as follows:

"We the willing have been doing so much with so little for so long that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing."

Rob (aka Retard) and I have sat here for 2 weeks now working our fingers to the bone for very little or no reward. We have been whipped, moaned at and not acknowledged.

In addition to which WHILE I AM WRITING this letter, I keep getting annoying interruptions from FTA* with actual work requests (not to be confused with WR’s**) – requests for us to do actual work – WHAT is that about!?

My daughter and I have not had a proper meal now for approximately 1 week. We are relying on the kindness of strangers, knocking on doors asking to borrow a plate of spaghetti. Luckily we are cute and gorgeous so our hit rate is fairly high. The upside of this is that we now resemble Kate Moss. I am planning on taking pics to send to top model agencies.

I have had to subject myself to lunches (on the book) from the Tuck Shop and (shock and horror!) there are NO chips so I am now gaining weight from too many chocolates and licorice all sorts. Rob insists he is on Herbal Life but I am sure I’ve smelled LIQUOR on his breath. I also don’t see a marked change in his weight. He recently transferred funds into his wife’s account. I am sure these were pilfered otherwise he clearly earns more than me which is unfair as he does next to nothing besides moan about all and sundry. It’s very dull and is leading me to a very bad mental state. This leads me to my next point. I need to claim workmen’s compensation for colleague abuse. Rob constantly drones on and on and ooooon about all his work woes. I have learnt to block this out and render it to white background noise.

Our humble request right now is that we get paid early in February. We realize that this will probably render us broke in March but we don’t really care.

Lastly we’d like to end with another quote: "Lieeeefliiing, ons kan nie sonder jooooou kan bestaaaan niiiieee…. Laaalaaalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaalaaaa." ***

And we love you (very much)

Fond regards
The very poor
Retard and Bee
xxx


* FTA - Friendly (in house) Travel Agent aka lovely colleague who lives to annoy me (Hi Heidi)
** WR - A template used within our work environment - gotta love acronyms
*** An in joke based on a song by Afrikaans singer Ge Korsten - translation: "Darling, I cannot exist without you!"

Only way out is through

A few things attacked me at once. I came out of hospital after having a hysterectomy for cervical cancer, my boyfriend of 2 years told me he was in love with someone else and I was given notice on the house I’ve lived in and loved for the last 4 years. Notice was given to ‘vacate the premises’ on 31 December – New Year’s Eve. Lovely. All these things I dealt with as they happened. Like slaying dragons, I dealt with each problem head on doing what had to be done, remaining calm and carrying on. A friend even commented that I ‘sailed through all of this with such grace’. Hah. All the while I remained calm and collected on the surface, I was dying inside. Many a night I spent crying into my pillow at the unfairness of life and the hopelessness of it all. The only thing that kept me going is the absolute belief that I have to be there for my daughter. If cancer is not going to take me away from her, nothing else will either.

Now it’s a couple of months later and I think I’ve only now relaxed enough to be able to grieve. I find myself overwhelmed with inexplicable bouts of sadness where all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I don’t think I gave myself time to process at the time it was happening. I don’t think I had time to process. There were things that had to be done and I did them. Now they’re done and I feel completely spent. Wiped out sometimes, washed ashore.

My work is empty and meaningless and I dislike my boss intensely. I don’t have enough money to pay all my bills and find myself broke before the middle of the month. I am not usually a moaner or a whiner but it just feels like I need a break. I need something to go right. I know I’ve been given a second chance at life and I want to grab it and shake it but still I feel sad. I need to get over this and move on. I need to get over the grieving process. I need to shake myself and meet life head on. I know I need to do this. I just don’t know how.

Well meaning friends and family are supporting me through this. They are providing practical solutions and solid things that I can do to get myself out of this. I am just so tired of doing this all on my own. My daughter’s dad has not paid me maintenance for a total of three years of her life and when he did it was minimal. I am tired of being the bread winner, sole provider, cheerleader, mother, father, worker, saint etc. etc. etc. I am bone tired of it. So at times I need to wallow – I need to feel the sadness and I need to move on from it. Only by feeling it can I get rid of it. The only way out is through.

High and Dry in Sunny South Africa

So here we are again. No money. No hope. No prospects. No, this is not a TV reality show or the life of a homeless person in South Africa. It’s MY life and I’ll weep if I want to. On the 2nd of February I merrily went to the ATM and tried to draw R1000. The message on the screen said: “Withdrawal not possible”. The nasty little slip that came out of the machine said “Balance: R44, available: R0”. Lovely. The 2nd of February people. I got paid on the 26th of January. This means that my salary lasted all of 6 days. I get paid (a small fortune) enough to comfortably survive on but after paying my rent, some bills and buying some food – that’s it – game over! WTF!? Has the recession hit SO badly that we’re all feeling the pinch now? And by all I mean ME of course – duh.

So I did what any upstanding citizen would do. I called for help. My sister suggested I have an honest look at my bank statements and see exactly where my money is going. Bank statements? I never look at those. OH you mean those things with numbers on them and a lot of minuses. I am the kind of person who draws money and NEVER EVER looks at the slip as the balance is too depressing. I draw all the money until the machine says I can’t anymore. Head in the sand? Yes. Stupid? Probably. Anway. So I followed her advice, went online and did the exercise with the bank statements. Shock and horror! I discover the bank (who will remain unnamed) has eaten a sizeable portion of my salary in charges. My debit order total is too horrific to even contemplate and there’s little wonder I have no money left. But this feels good, it feels like I am taking charge. So I made a decision. I am going to change banks, move only the debit orders that are necessary and keep a close eye on what gets spent and paid. In other words, budget and manage my money. Two things I have not been quite capable of up to this point.

In addition to this I am going to take on some extra work after hours to earn extra money. Lovely new boyfriend already has some work lined up for me so that’s good. For today, however, I have to figure out how to make dinner for my kid and her friend who will be coming over. Sigh. Is it just me or is everyone in this boat?

SOTD - For Cath

More than one kind of love - Joan Armatrading

There’s a lot of things you should hold dear
Keep in your heart
Never let go
Never let go
Never let go
Pride and dignity
A sense of self
Hold on

When that boy leaves
And you need someone to turn to
When you feel alone
You will know you’re not alone
If you’ve been true
To all who are true to you
You’ll make it
You’ll make it fine

If you remember your friends
Just remember you can call
Just remember that passion fades
Good friendships seldom die
Go ahead have your fun
But don’t turn your back on everyone
Though the body needs love
There is more than one kind

More
More than one kind of love
There is more
More than one kind

Yes he fills your heart
Fills your mind
He’s all you want
All you need
Everything
Everything
Everything but

Love that’s that exclusive
That obsessive
Can hurt

When that love pales
And becomes human emotion
Where will you go
If you’ve neglected those you know
But if you stay true
To those who are true to you
You’ll make it
You’ll make it fine

If you remember your friends
Just remember you can call
Just remember that passion fades
Good friendships seldom die
Go ahead have your fun
But don’t turn your back on everyone
Though the body needs love
There is more than one kind

More
More than one kind of love
There is more
More than one kind

Cervical Cancer: A Diary - Part 8

I come to sometime later that day – I think it’s about 3pm as I vaguely register that my dad is at my bedside. Bless him. He tells me later that I ask him for water and then am passed out by the time he comes back. My op was about 3 hours long but I sleep for a further 3 hours after that. The entire day is a blur in my memory. I have a vague recollection of the anaesthetist telling me that he’s going to put me to sleep now and then absolutely nothing further.

At about 4pm the nurses comes to bring me more drugs and I get some hospital food for supper (blech) after which I sleep some more.I awake the next day in hospital and prepare for my 7 to 10 day stay here. My ward is as nice as this hospital gets. I am in a private ward so have 24/7 nurses and sisters at my beck and call. I don’t register any pain when I wake up probably due to the amount of drugs coursing through my veins.

The next few chapters are excerpts of my diary that I kept while in hospital.

To be continued

Cervical Cancer: A Diary - Part 7

I spend the rest of that day lazing about in my hospital bed, reading a bit. I get my dad to get me some takeaway lunch as I’m starving. Several hospital staff come to check on me to take blood pressure, temperature etc. My anaesthetist drops in at about 4pm to tell me what will happen tomorrow morning. Apparently my op is scheduled 1st thing at 8am and I will be given something to calm me down beforehand. Goodie, I think, drugs – just what I need! I ask for a sleeping tablet that night as I am unable to calm down sufficiently to sleep.

The next morning I am awoken at 5am by the nurses offering tea or coffee. Hospital coffee is like dishwater in any event but I am not allowed to eat or drink anything anyway due to my impending operation. I go and have a shower and wash my hair figuring I won’t be able to do this for a little while after the op. At 6.30 the sister comes in bearing drugs including the promised calming tab, Ativan. I swallow this and almost instantly become quite sleepy and have a little nap.

At 7am they wheel me into the pre-operation area. I am not at all nervous thanks to the good drugs!

To be continued

Cervical Cancer: A Diary - Part 6

Eventually as is inevitable the 7th of September rolls around. I am due to go into the hospital on this day and my op is scheduled for the 8th. My dear friend (she knows who she is) takes me to the hospital early in the morning. I am armed with a bank guaranteed cheque to pay upfront for both the operation and my private ward. This is the only way one can guarantee a private ward at this particular hospital. So in we go to the admissions desk. There’s a long queue. Big surprise. So we sit and wait… and wait… and wait. Eventually my name gets called. I mosey on over to the reception desk and inform the rather surly clerk that I would like to pay for the private ward in D4. She looks at me unimpressed and asks to see the cheque. Glancing briefly at it, she informs me that she cannot accept it as it’s incorrectly made out. Apparently the name of the hospital is not the logical title to put on the cheque. She asks if I can have the cheque changed. I have a brief panic attack and eventually agree to go to the bank across the road to attempt to do just that.

We walk out and it’s pouring with rain. I have a week’s luggage in my hand which is getting rather heavy now. We go into the bank and make our way to enquiries. I have to fill in many forms and answer several thousand questions for them to change the cheque for me. Eventually we hit a glitch in that I don’t have my id book with me, only passport. At this point 30 minutes have passed and I begin to lose it. I have been sitting at the hospital for about 2 hours and now this happens. It’s all too much. I tell the cashier to forget about the cheque and storm out. My friend suggests that her fiancé does an electronic payment and that I can pay them back later to save time. I agree to this very generous suggestion and back we go to the annoying clerk. We tell her that I have to see the doctors at 11am and seeing as it’s now 10.45 can I please just go up to the private ward. She eventually agrees so up we go.

I arrive at Ward D4 (private ward) and it’s another fight that I have with the secretary. She can’t let me in unless we have proof of payment. At this point I am all out of fight and I burst into tears. She takes pity on me and tells me to go to the ward and get into bed. She will sort out the payment between my friend and the doctors. I breathe a sigh of relief and do just that. It’s now about 12 noon and I’ve been at this godforsaken place for four and a half hours. I phone my friend who says the payment has been made and the proof faxed through. So all is well on that side.

To be continued...

Cervical Cancer: A Diary - Part 5

During this two and a half week period of waiting I investigate some alternative cures. The first person I speak to deals in a therapy called oxygen therapy. It’s basically a tablet that you take over a period of months which will apparently reduce or totally kill off the cancer cells. The guy I speak to is very exuberant and chats to me for almost two hours about his product. He is unable however to give me any guarantee. He mentions a Dr Warburg who won the Nobel Peace Price for his work with cancer treatments and says that this treatment is based on that work. It all sounds very impressive and I am quite interested to hear what he has to say. The treatment is however quite expensive. He also has a lot to say about the medical profession not knowing all there is to know about cancer and states that the operation they have prescribed for me is ‘barbaric’. I tend to agree with this at that moment.

The other alternative treatment I seek out is referred to me by a very good and trustworthy friend. This person has an EMF (electro magnetic frequency) machine which scans your entire body and is able to diagnose any problems with health and emotional disorders. I go to see her and she is wonderful. She has a machine that she recommends called the Rife machine. This works the same way in which an opera singer would crack the glass by singing a really high note. That same frequency logic is used in this machine to break down the cancer cells. Her treatment would be a lot cheaper than the oxygen therapy or the operation and would take 4 months to complete. I am interested and excited but not entirely convinced. I tell her I want to think about it and go home to weigh up my options.

On the one hand I am so petrified of the operation that any alternative seems extremely attractive and on the other the alternative therapies would take a bit longer. It feels like I am gambling with mine and my daughter’s lives. I go home and speak to friends and family and pray about the situation. I ask for a sign.

Eventually from the strangest source, my sign comes. I watch an episode of Private Practice in which a woman is diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She too dabbles in alternative treatments which go wrong and she eventually opts for the surgery. I weep as I watch this and it is then that I know what I have to do.

Cervical Cancer: A Diary - Part 4

The next two weeks are dedicated to my birthday celebrations. At age 40 plus, I tend to have a marathon birthday meaning it goes on for at least 10 days. With this particular shadow hanging over my head however every now and then I catch myself thinking should I be doing this? I am planning a birthday dinner and some other minor run-up parties. The weekend at end of August is my birthday party. It’s very surreal. Everyone gets a bit wasted except me and it’s kind of strange to watch my friends get rat assed as I watch the shenanigans. Usually I would be right there with them.

My party continues through to the Sunday when more people come and celebrate with me. I have a really good weekend. I go back to work on Monday but then start to fall apart a bit so take some time off work to recuperate. The stress of work combined with the looming operation becomes a bit much so I take some time out to retreat from the world. I have never been to hospital before this other than to give birth to my daughter which was totally uncomplicated natural birth with no drugs.

I have NEVER had to undergo any surgery before this so I am understandably petrified of the unknown and all that might go wrong. During these two weeks I am a mess – emotional, up and down and all over the place. I take my hat off to all my friends and family who stick by me in this time.

Cervical Cancer: A Diary - Part 3

Eventually the 19th of August rolls around, 5 days before my birthday and I have the meeting with my doctors. I have to just interject here that I have the most divine doctors. I have a team of 5 people working on my case and they are all without exception, amazing. There’s Dr Heinz, the surgeon, Dr Sparkly Eyes, the gynae oncologist, Dr Young & Pretty, intern gynae understudy and 2 random others (names have been changed to protect the innocent) whom I did not meet with on a regular basis. My doctors are all very intelligent and extremely well qualified and keep me informed of everything every step of the way. They also have a great sense of humour which helps me cope through this. I am literally trusting them with my life after all.

After waiting for what seems like an eternity, it is eventually my turn to meet with the doctors. In I go and it’s Dr Heinz who breaks the news to me. The good news is the cancer is stage 1 and that it’s operable. The cancer is nowhere else BUT in my cervix and has not spread according to the test results. The bad news is the recommended operation is a radical hysterectomy. He explains the ins and outs to me while I sit in a blur of terror not really taking a word in that he is saying. I am half happy that it is operable and half totally panicked about the thought of a knife cutting into my insides. I ask him whether I should be panicking at this point. He looks bemused and assures me that this is a normal reaction but that he is very experienced and that I am in the best hands possible. I walk out on shaky legs to tell my friend the news. The operation is scheduled for the 8th of September. He did have an opening earlier but that would’ve clashed with my birthday plans and I told the doc that me and my uterus wanted to have a party, thank you.

Cervical Cancer: A Diary - Part 2

My previous post I realise was a very matter of fact telling of what happened. It does not detail how I felt or what was going on underneath the surface. I awoke at 5am today and tried to make sense of that and wondered about ways of trying to convey this. I think the best way to describe it is to compare it to the five stages of grief or loss. My first reaction to the doctor’s initial phone call was ABSOLUTE denial. This can’t be happening to me. I am sure this is nothing serious. This must be a mistake – all is fine and well. Things like this don’t happen to me.

Denial continued way into the first visit with the doctor who TOLD me this was not cancer. I only felt real anger when I realised that his diagnosis was wrong and that he should not have opened his mouth to say those words.

Bargaining happened in my two week waiting period before I had to go and see the doctors again for my final meeting. When the call came through from the doctor’s office confirming that it was cancer, my reaction was to cry and then to run (to the nearest bar). I met up with a friend and drank copious amounts of wine and smoked up a storm. I phoned my nearest and dearest to break the news to them but it was as though I was talking through a fog. This was not actually happening to me, it was surreal. I spoke to God that night and many nights thereafter praying for a miracle.

I think depression hit me on and off throughout the process. The rest of life seemed absolutely trivial. I would go online and read about people’s unremarkable lives and get extremely angry and jealous that they got to carry on as usual while I had this burden to bear. I was very sorry for myself and cried at the drop of a hat.

Acceptance – this is where I am now. I know that whatever happens, good or bad, this experience has changed me for the better. It’s made me more spiritual, more aware, more me. It was meant to be and is part of the path that I have chosen. This writing about my experience is also part of the journey. Walk with me, listen to me, be there for me.

Cervical Cancer: A Diary - Part 1

I have decided to journal my experience with cervical cancer. This is part 1 - much more to follow.

Sometime in June

My desk phone rings. It’s my gynae’s secretary informing me that Dr Olivier would like to speak to me. He tells me that the 2nd pap smear in 2 months has come back with ‘abnormal cells’ as a result and he would like to request a biopsy to be done in hospital. I agree not thinking this is anything to be afraid of just yet.

A while later I contact him to find out if this has anything to do with cancer and he assures me that this is to ‘rule out’ that possibility.

The appointment is set for six week’s time when I will have a biopsy and a colposcopy procedure done. This will remove any weird growth that has invaded me causing me to bleed intermittently. The day dawns and I go to the hospital. I am not prepared for all the waiting. My appointment was for 8am but I eventually only see the doctor at 10am. He first takes a look at my Pap smear pathology results and tells me in no uncertain terms that this is NOT cancer we are dealing with. I feel great relief. He examines me and informs me that due to the size of the growth, the removal thereof will have to be done in theatre. I get dressed and he makes another appointment for me to come back for the procedure. Great. I am happy that this is going to be taken care of quickly and efficiently. He also tells me that the final results of the biopsy will be ready in 6 weeks time.

Around the end of July, I get another phone call from my gynae’s office. He tells me that they have found cancerous cells in my biopsy test results and that I have to go and see the hospital as soon as possible to go through a number of tests. So from the 31st of July to about 4th of August I spend much of my time at the hospital undergoing various tests from blood through to cystoscopy (where they put a camera up your bladder – extremely uncomfortable!) They take about a litre of blood from me, they poke, prod and photograph my insides. I begin to feel a little like an alien having just landed on planet Earth. All the tests are to discover whether or not the cancer has spread and how far along it is. Throughout all of this I am very calm, numb even. I think I am in shock and not quite sure of how to deal with this. Once all the tests are over I am due to meet with the doctors for them to inform me of the way forward. That day dawns and I am extremely nervous. The doctors see me and once again perform an internal exam. They then say I need a further test called an MRI to determine how big the tumour is. The final test is scheduled for the following week and then I am due to meet with them in 2 weeks time. It feels like a lifetime away. I go for the final MRI test and it’s very trippy – a total out of body experience. You are placed in a tunnel apparatus with headphones on to try to drown out the noise of the machine. This doesn’t work and the constant bang-bang of the machine goes right through you. It’s extremely unpleasant.

I then go home and wait out the two weeks. During this time, I act normally. I go about the business of work, life, caring for my daughter. I see my friends – we have dinner parties, I go shopping. On the surface all is fairly normal. Underneath I am a seething mess of panic. I am praying that the cancer is not at an advanced stage and that the best result I can hope for is that this is operable and that no radiation or chemo is necessary.

It happens to other people

What do you do when you hear the words cervical and cancer in the same sentence and it's not someone else out there that they're talking about?
It's you.

You think of your seven year old daughter and just want to cry. You hold your head up and carry on with the day to day business of living. You just keep swimming. You breathe. Mostly you are ok but sometimes you are really not.

And then they make you wait. Wait for tests, wait for results, wait for 'final staging' meetings. You don't want to know all the ins and outs of this. You just want it over and out. Some days are good. Others you fall apart.

Tomorrow I see the doctors. They will tell me the way forward.
If you pray, pray. If you don't, think of me and hope for the best possible outcome.

The Moon and the Stars

Amidst all the noise, the haste, the manic, panicked stress of everyday life, I feel a change. It’s a slow unyielding shift almost imperceptible but very much there. Small things start to change. I see natural beauty way more clearly. The stars and moon in Roberston on Saturday night were so bright they almost moved me to tears with their awesome beauty. The moon played games with us through the clouds and my friend and I spoke and spoke. A rainbow followed us almost all the way home from Robertson to Cape Town. A promise. A gift.

This change has a sense of promise to it. Something is coming. Something is waiting in the wings and it’s waiting for me to be ready. I sometimes smile to myself as things are revealed to me that start to make sense, pieces start to fit together. Someone says something to me and it’s like a gift. I accept it and put it away to examine later.

Still around me the madness continues. For a few moments I block it out and write about what’s inside me.

Hey oh - Red Hot Chili Peppers - just 'cos

Come to decide that the things that I tried
Were in my life just to get high on.
When I sit alone, come get a little more known
But I need more than myself this time.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky,
And I do believe that we rely on
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice.

Hey oh...listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh, now listen what I say oh

When will I know that I really can't go
To the well one more time to decide on.
Well it's kiliing me, when will I really see,
All that I need to look inside.
Come to believe that I better not leave
Before I get my chance to ride,
Well it's killing me, what do I really need
All that I need to look inside.

Hey oh...listen what I say oh
Come back and hey oh, look at what I say oh

The more I see the less I know
The more I like to let it go - hey oh, whoa
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow,
Privately divided by a world so undecided
And there's nowhere to go
In between the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow,
Running through a field where all my tracks will
Be concealed and there's nowhere to go.

When to descend to amend for a friend
All the channels that have broken down.
Now you bring it up, I'm gonna ring it up
Just to hear you sing it out.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky,
And I do believe what we rely on,
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice

Hey oh...listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh...listen what I say oh

The more I see, the less I know
The more I like to let it go hey oh whoa.
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow.
Privately divided by a world so undecided
And there's nowhere to go
In between the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will
Be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow,
Privately divided by a world so undecided
And there's nowhere to go.
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow...
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed
And there's nowhere to go.

I said hey oh yeah oh yeah..tell my love now
Hey yeah yeah...oh yeah.